Letting Her Be Thirteen: Teaching My Daughter Boundaries With Makeup
I never thought I would be having conversations about makeup this early, but here we are. My daughter is thirteen, still very much a child in my eyes, and lately, makeup has become a much bigger thing in her world than I ever expected.
It started small and honestly felt harmless. A little bit of concealer here and there. I understood that. Teen skin changes, insecurities creep in, and I wanted to be supportive without making a big deal out of it. Then mascara came into the picture. Then blush. Each step felt gradual, almost sneaky, and before I really realised it, makeup was no longer just something fun or occasional. It had become something she felt she needed.
What really stopped me in my tracks was realising she would not leave the house without makeup on. School, a quick trip out, even just popping somewhere casual, mascara especially had become non-negotiable. Her eyelashes are blonde, so in her mind, without mascara, they do not exist. And that broke my heart a little. Watching a thirteen-year-old feel like she has to alter her face just to be seen feels wrong. She is still growing, still figuring out who she is, and I hate the idea that her confidence is already being tied to how she looks with makeup on.
A huge part of this, whether we like it or not, is social media. It is in their faces constantly. Perfect skin, full lashes, contour, filters, glow-ups. Even when they are not actively looking for it, it finds them. Girls her age are being shown an image of beauty that is polished, edited, and unrealistic, and they are absorbing it without even realising. It is no wonder they start to believe their natural face is not enough. The pressure to look a certain way is relentless, and it is coming at them far younger than it ever did for us.
This is why building self-esteem in young teen girls matters so much. If they do not learn early that their value comes from who they are, not how they look, the world will happily tell them otherwise. Confidence grows when they feel accepted, listened to, and supported at home. It grows when we praise effort, kindness, resilience, and character rather than appearance. It grows when we encourage interests that make them feel capable and proud, whether that is sport, art, music, learning, or simply being themselves. Most of all, it grows when they know they are loved exactly as they are, even on the days they do not feel confident in their own skin.
When I finally sat down to set firm boundaries, she got upset. She insisted she wears makeup for herself, not for anyone else. I had to explain gently that what she was saying was a contradiction. If she truly wore it for herself, she would feel comfortable stepping outside without it. The truth is, she is too reliant on makeup to feel normal and pretty. That is not a healthy place for a thirteen-year-old. I tried to explain that if she has already reached the point of needing mascara, blush, and concealer every day, that list of “must-haves” will only grow. Over time, she could lose sight of her genuine confidence and start measuring her worth by layers of makeup rather than her own self-assurance. It is hard to argue with her because she is adamant, but my perspective is that we are trying to protect her self-esteem, not restrict her fun.
I had to take a step back and remind myself that this is not about control. It is about guidance. When she first wanted to wear makeup, we talked about it and agreed on boundaries. A little concealer was the agreement. That was the compromise. Over time, though, more was added, even when I advised against it. And now we are at a point where she is fully reliant on it. That is not healthy for anyone, let alone a child.
So I stepped in. I explained calmly that when something starts to feel like a need rather than a choice, that is when we have to pause. I told her that I want her to learn to feel confident as she is, not feel like she has to paint herself a certain way just to face the world. It is not nice to see a child wearing makeup because she feels she has to, not because she wants to.
We talked about boundaries and compromise again. This time, more clearly. We agreed she can wear one piece of makeup, concealer. Mascara is off the table for now. Not as a punishment, but as a reset. A way to remind her that she is enough without it. That her face does not need fixing. That her worth does not come from how dark her lashes look.
Parenting moments like this are uncomfortable. They are emotional. I know she will not always agree with my decisions, and that is hard. But my job is to guide her, protect her confidence, and help her hold on to her sense of self and her childhood for as long as I can. Makeup can wait. Learning to love herself cannot.
About me
I am a married mother of four children. One of those four children is our granddaughter, for whom we are SGO (legal guardians)/kinship carers. I run a small business and enjoy writing, so I blog. My blog focuses on my family life as well as my experiences of living with chronic illnesses and disabilities such as ME/CFS, spinal stenosis, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia. Oh, and I am only in my mid-40s.
