Love Isn’t Enough and Time Won’t Heal Trauma

Let’s get rid of two dangerous myths that harm children far more than they help: the idea that love alone can erase trauma, and the belief that because a child is young, they will naturally grow out of it or are too young to remember. Neither of these is true. They are trauma myths adults tell themselves to feel hopeful and reassured, but they are not rooted in reality. In our case, these beliefs were reinforced by professionals, resulting in systemic gaslighting. I know this because I once believed them myself, and the consequences were heartbreaking. Ultimately, this mindset does one thing above all else: it emotionally minimises the child and invalidates their lived experience.

I believed it once. When we were going through the assessment for the SGO, I believed that if a child was young enough, their memories of pain would fade or be nonexistent. I believed that if they were loved, nurtured, and cared for, all the hurt would simply dissolve into the past. I was wrong. Completely wrong. Trauma does not care about age. It does not care if a child seems too small to understand what happened or too young to carry the weight of memory. Trauma is encoded in the mind and the body. It resurfaces later, often in ways we do not expect, and often in ways that confuse adults because the child cannot explain or even recognise what they are experiencing.

I sought guidance. During our SGO assessment, I specifically asked the social worker. I wanted reassurance. I wanted someone to tell me that love and time would be enough. Instead, I was met with the same naive belief I had been clinging to myself: that because the child was young, the trauma would wash away. That love could somehow compensate for what had already been done. That it did not matter if the trauma was not addressed immediately because the child would not remember it anyway. That is not advice. That is denial.

We went in headfirst, unprepared, armed only with hope and good intentions. We did not anticipate the trauma surfacing in the way it did, and when it did, it was overwhelming. Trauma does not wait politely until a child is older or until the adults around them feel ready. It erupts into the present through behaviours, fears, and reactions that seem disproportionate or inexplicable. And if you enter this space believing that time and love alone are enough, you are left scrambling, trying to support a child in pain without the tools, knowledge, or preparation you desperately need.

The cruel reality is that when trauma is ignored or underestimated in childhood, more trauma is often caused. Had it been recognised and treated earlier, the approach could have been gentler, kinder, and far less confusing for the child. Instead, every day that passes without recognition adds another layer to the pain. It can take years to advocate, to be heard, to have what happened acknowledged. And every year of waiting compounds the struggle, the mistrust, and the emotional scars.

The idea that children are “too young to remember” is a comforting lie. It reassures adults, not children. It allows adults to believe they can wait, that a child’s development will somehow magically erase the pain. But this is false. Trauma is remembered in ways that are not always conscious or verbal. It shows up in behaviour, in relationships, and in mental and physical health long before words or explicit memories emerge. Pretending a child is too young is not protection; it is postponement. It delays recognition and treatment, allowing the injury to fester beneath the surface and grow in ways we cannot predict.

Love is important. Consistency is important. Patience, care, and safety are all vital. But none of these erase trauma. They do not undo what happened, and they do not replace treatment. A child needs adults who see the full picture: adults who understand that trauma is real, that age does not protect against its impact, and that early recognition and intervention can prevent further harm. Ignoring trauma because a child is “too young” is not kindness. It is a failure of imagination and compassion, leaving the child to carry the consequences alone for years before anyone truly listens.

I have lived this. I have experienced the heartbreak of believing that being loved and being young would be enough for my SGO child. I have seen what happens when trauma is underestimated, minimised, or delayed. And I have learned that healing is not passive. It is deliberate. It is demanding. It requires adults to confront uncomfortable truths: that children carry memory, emotion, and pain even when we cannot see it, even when it remains invisible on the surface.

The sooner trauma is recognised and treated, the kinder the path forward. Waiting for a child to “grow out of it” or for memory to fade is not a neutral choice; it is a harmful one. It forces the child to struggle in silence and develop coping mechanisms that may protect them in the short term but complicate their life later. It prolongs suffering, deepens confusion, and makes eventual recognition far harder.

Therapy, support, and recognition are critical. When combined with care, love, and safety, they create the conditions for real healing. But love alone, and time alone, are not enough. Children are not too young to experience trauma, and that includes before they are even born. Trauma can begin in the womb. Age does not make pain any less real, and it does not guarantee that it will fade. Believing otherwise is a myth, one that has cost many SGO and Kinship children years of unnecessary struggle, confusion, and unrecognised suffering. But this is not limited to SGO or Kinship children; all children can be profoundly affected if trauma is ignored or underestimated.

To anyone reading this who believes that childhood trauma will be forgotten simply because a child is young, I urge you to reconsider. Listen to lived experience. Look honestly at the impact of delay. Trauma leaves an imprint regardless of age. Love is essential. Recognition is essential. Treatment is essential. Only together can they offer a child a genuine chance at healing, safety, and a future not defined by what happened to them.

The path is difficult. It is uncomfortable. It is emotionally exhausting. But the sooner we stop pretending that children are too young to be affected by trauma, the sooner we can begin the real work of healing. And that is the work that matters. That is the work that gives a child a real chance at trust, safety, and wholeness.

This is why the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund (ASGSF) is so important. You can read my blog post about it here.

About me

I am a married mother of four children. One of those children is our granddaughter, for whom we are legal guardians and kinship carers. I run a small business, and I love to write, which is how this blog came to be. I write about family life, kinship care, and my experiences living with chronic illness and disability, including ME CFS, spinal stenosis, TMJD, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia. I am also very aware that I am doing all of this in my mid-forties, which still surprises me some days.

You’re not alone here. You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.

FAQ: Childhood Trauma, Age, and Healing

Can children really experience trauma if they are very young?

Yes. Children can experience trauma at any age, including infancy and even before birth. Trauma does not rely on conscious memory or language to exist. It is stored in the body and nervous system and can shape emotional regulation, behaviour, attachment, and stress responses as the child develops.

Will a child grow out of trauma as they get older?

No. Trauma does not simply disappear with age. When left unrecognised or untreated, it often shows up later in different ways—through behaviour, mental health, relationships, or physical symptoms. Children do not grow out of trauma; they adapt around it.

Is it true that children are too young to remember trauma?

This is a common myth. While young children may not remember trauma as a clear story, they remember it through their bodies, emotions, and nervous systems. Trauma does not need conscious memory to have a lasting impact.

Can love alone heal childhood trauma?

Love is essential, but it is not enough on its own. Love provides safety and connection, but trauma also requires recognition, understanding, and often therapeutic support. Without intervention, even the most loving environment cannot undo the effects of trauma by itself.

Why is early recognition of trauma so important?

Early recognition allows for gentler, more effective support. The longer trauma goes unrecognised, the more complex and deeply embedded it can become. Early intervention reduces long-term harm and prevents additional trauma caused by misunderstanding or minimisation.

Does trauma only affect children in care, kinship, or SGO placements?

No. While SGO and Kinship children are often more visibly affected due to early adversity, trauma can affect any child. Trauma is not limited to care status—it is about experience, not labels.

Can trauma begin before a child is born?

Yes. Trauma can begin in the womb. Stress, fear, and adversity during pregnancy can affect a developing baby’s nervous system. This early exposure can shape how a child responds to stress and safety later in life.

Why is saying “they’ll grow out of it” harmful?

Because it delays action. This belief minimises the child’s experience and reassures adults instead of protecting the child. Waiting often means missed opportunities for support, leading to greater struggles later on.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert or professionally qualified, but everything I share comes from lived experience.