10 Things Kinship Carers Need to Hear

When I first stepped into kinship care, I did not feel brave or capable or ready. I felt overwhelmed, frightened, and quietly unsure whether I was about to break myself trying to hold everyone else together. Kinship care often begins in crisis, and when you are in the middle of it, there is very little space for reassurance. Over time, and through many conversations with other kinship carers, I have learned there are some things we all need to hear more often.

These are the things I wish someone had said to me early on, and the things I still remind myself of now.

1. You did not cause this situation

So many kinship carers carry guilt that does not belong to them. Guilt for what happened before. Guilt for what could not be prevented. Guilt for stepping in and guilt for sometimes wishing things were easier. You did not create the circumstances that led to this moment. You responded to them. That matters.

2. Saying yes does not mean you have to be perfect

Kinship care is not about getting everything right. It is about showing up, often imperfectly, and doing the best you can with the information and energy you have. You will get things wrong. You will lose patience. You will second-guess yourself. None of that means you are failing. It means you are human.

3. Love does not erase trauma

This one is hard because so many of us step into kinship care believing that love will fix everything. Love helps deeply, but it does not undo what a child has already lived through. Trauma shows up in behaviour, in fear, in anger, in silence. It is not a reflection of your care or your commitment. It is a reflection of what that child has survived.

4. It is okay to grieve the life you had before

Kinship care changes everything. Your routines, your finances, your health, your relationships, and your sense of self. You are allowed to grieve the life you had before, even while loving the child in your care. Gratitude and grief can exist at the same time. One does not cancel out the other.

5. Your feelings are valid even the messy ones

You can love fiercely and still feel resentful. You can feel grateful and exhausted. You can feel proud and completely overwhelmed. Kinship care is emotionally complex, and pretending otherwise only isolates you further. Your feelings do not make you a bad carer. They make you an honest one.

6. You deserve support too

Kinship carers are often expected to cope quietly. To be grateful for scraps of support. To manage without complaint. But you are carrying responsibility that many people never experience. You deserve emotional support, practical help, financial stability, and understanding. Asking for help is not weakness. It is sustainability.

7. Boundaries are not selfish

You are allowed to set boundaries with professionals, with birth family members, and even within your own household. You are allowed to protect your energy, your health, and your peace. Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They are about making sure you can keep going.

8. This is harder because it is personal

Kinship care hurts differently because it involves people you love. There is history, grief, loyalty, and loss wrapped into every decision. It is okay if you find this harder than you expected. It is okay if it feels heavier than traditional parenting. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means the stakes are higher.

9. The small things matter more than you think

The quiet routines. The consistent bedtime. The calm voice when everything feels loud. The showing up day after day. These things build safety slowly, often invisibly. You may not see the impact straight away, but it is there, taking root.

10. You are making a difference even on the hardest days

On the days when nothing goes right. When you feel invisible. When progress feels nonexistent. When you question everything. You are still making a difference. Stability matters. Presence matters. The fact that a child has someone who stayed matters more than you will ever fully know.

Kinship care is rarely acknowledged in the way it should be. It exists in the grey spaces, often overlooked and under-supported. But what you are doing is significant. It is life-altering for the child you care for, and it is life-altering for you too.

If you are reading this in the middle of a hard season, I want you to know that you are not alone, even if it feels that way. There are others quietly carrying the same weight, asking the same questions, and doing the same unseen work.

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to be proud of yourself.

And you deserve to hear that what you are doing matters.

About me

I am a married mother of four children. One of those children is our granddaughter, for whom we are legal guardians (SGO) and kinship carers. I run a small business, and I love to write, which is how this blog came to be. I write about family life, kinship care, and my experiences living with chronic illness and disability, including ME CFS, spinal stenosis, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia. I am also very aware that I am doing all of this in my mid-forties, which still surprises me some days.